Another (unanswered) call for help to LifeRing Partners

Email received at the LifeRing Service Center today:

I am married to an alcoholic who is currently attending AA meetings and finds them helpful and fulfilling.  I am looking for ways to help myself heal emotionally and cope with her recovery; she strongly recommends Al-Anon, AA's companion organization for friends and loved ones, but I am uncomfortable with the 12-step format and the religious content.  LifeRing was, I believe, recommended by an acquaintance (it may have been my father-in-law, come to think of it) and looking over the website, the LifeRing Partners program sounds perfect for me.  Unfortunately, I'm not having any luck finding a schedule of LifeRing Partners meetings in the Northern California area.  Is one available, and if so, where might I find it?

Thanks,

A.

Dear A:

A quick answer.  LifeRing Partners as of today is "all hat and no cattle."  Energy has been put into drafting a Statement of Principles (how nice!) but so far no one has stepped forward to actually organize anything. Sooner or later someone with the talent and tenacity to turn this concept into a living reality will appear.  Watch the website for announcements.   

Desperately Need LifeRing Partners Meetings

This email came to the Service Center last week. It reflects exactly the content of a long string of telephone calls we have received from other people in different parts of the country.

Hello

I live in the Livermore area. I am a wife of an alcoholic who is currently in recovery with our Kaiser health plan. They do offer a family night once a week which I have attended, but after 12 weeks it starts over again. Do you have a support program for the spouses? I was not impressed with the Al-A-Non speaker we had at our group night, even the program directors apologized....it was just so far out there. I am looking for a support group without a religious factor, where I can go and discuss and learn from other folks in the same situation, how to live with a recovering alcoholic.

-- C.

We have numerous requests like this. We desperately need a convenor -- really, a lot of convenors -- to bring the LifeRing Partners concept down from the clouds and make it a reality on the ground. Where are you, you pioneering, enterprising, tenacious, creative people? Come forward!

Partners: Push/Pull

Some of the calls to the LifeRing 800 line are from people who are on the edge of their sanity. I try to make it clear at the outset, gently but firmly, that this is not a crisis hotline and that I'm not a counselor or a doctor, and have no qualifications to offer advice.

This gentleman was talking through tears and sobs. What was the problem? He has a friend, a very good friend, a wonderful person (when he's sober) who broke up with his wife, got drunk and high on pot, and came over to the caller's house and did more drinking and pot smoking there, and invited the caller to go for a drive with him. The caller had made it very clear to the friend that he did not allow drinking and pot smoking in his house, and that he was absolutely not going to get in the car with the friend driving under the influence. But the friend had completely disrespected the caller's wishes, and now the friend was angry at the caller for his 'negative attitude.' Hence the tears.

After repeating that I had no qualifications to offer advice, I told the caller that I was not surprised at his friend's behavior, that I had done similar things when I was in my addiction, and that (now that I was sober) I also kept my house free of alcohol or drugs and I also would never get into a car driven by somebody under the influence. The caller had done exactly what I would have done under the circumstances.

Still, the caller was not consoled. He loved this friend and was terribly upset at the thought of losing this friendship. This was really a wonderful person when sober. What should he do?

After repeating a third time that I had no qualifications to give advice, I suggested that the caller might adopt a push-pull attitude toward his friend. When the friend is sober, pull. Engage him, involve him, enjoy him. But when the friend is drinking/using, push. Firmly maintain the wall between yourself and him, disengage, disinvolve, stay cold, stay away. Don't attack him, don't give him advice (except in the most passing, casual, matter-of-fact way), don't try to change him or convert him. Eventually, when you have been consistent, your policy may work some changes in him. You may reinforce, with your "pull," the sober part within him, the wonderful person that he is when sober. You may disempower, with your "push," the other him, the part of him that is in love with alcohol and other drugs.

Or, you may lose him as a friend. That happens. Prepare yourself for that possibility by looking around, even now, at the other people in your life that you could be friends with.

Somehow, that made sense to the caller. It offered a way forward. He stopped crying, his voice returned to normal. I concluded by reminding him that my advice was worth exactly what he paid for it. He gave a little laugh, and we ended the conversation.